Let me tell you, it's a kick in the gut. I knew I was overweight. But now, I see I'm the woman people look at weird when they see her eating an ice cream cone. I'm big enough that's it's the first thing people will notice about me. That's how life is. And you know what? I'm not happy with what I have become. I am not happy to be so out of shape. I am not happy to be embarrassed all the time by the way I look. I'm not happy to see beautiful clothes in the store and not fit into it. I'm not happy to be obsessed by my weight and my looks all the time. I'm tired of making deprecating jokes about myself. I'm not happy of the health issues that could ensue (luckily, I'm still very healthy.) But mostly, I'm sorry that I've been crying to my husband about this weight issue for *years* and still haven't done anything about it. He's so patient!
So why am I posting this here? Because I'd like to be accountable for something. The state I'm in right now is my fault. I don't exercise. I don't eat fruits and vegetables. I eat too much crap. I want to publicly say that I want to change.
So my goal is this: by my 35th birthday, which is 17 months from now, I want to be happy with myself. I don't want to weigh 120 pounds; it's not realistic and would be nearly impossible. but I want to feel better. I want to know that I've changed the way I eat, the way I view food. I want to be proud that I got on the elliptical machine every day, or took a walk or did an exercise tape. I want to stop avoiding looking in the mirror (yup, I do that right now, which is why I don't wear makeup: I'd have to look at myself.) I want to go clothes shopping and be able to buy what I like instead of just what fits. I'd like to see definition in my jaw line! I'd like to be happy with myself.
If you have ideas, words of advice or just a good kick in the butt for me, that'd be great! And please, come back often and hold me accountable, wont you? I'm serious. Things need to change. Maybe if I learn to love myself, maybe I'll finally understand why others like me. Because right now, I find it hard...