Friday, October 09, 2009

Oh my gosh, this is me?!?!

What happened? For years, I've been saying I didn't like how I looked. For years, I've been saying I should be more careful of what I eat. But nothing did the trick until just now. I'm catching up on going through the pictures taken this summer and I saw this:

Let me tell you, it's a kick in the gut. I knew I was overweight. But now, I see I'm the woman people look at weird when they see her eating an ice cream cone. I'm big enough that's it's the first thing people will notice about me. That's how life is. And you know what? I'm not happy with what I have become. I am not happy to be so out of shape. I am not happy to be embarrassed all the time by the way I look. I'm not happy to see beautiful clothes in the store and not fit into it. I'm not happy to be obsessed by my weight and my looks all the time. I'm tired of making deprecating jokes about myself. I'm not happy of the health issues that could ensue (luckily, I'm still very healthy.) But mostly, I'm sorry that I've been crying to my husband about this weight issue for *years* and still haven't done anything about it. He's so patient!

So why am I posting this here? Because I'd like to be accountable for something. The state I'm in right now is my fault. I don't exercise. I don't eat fruits and vegetables. I eat too much crap. I want to publicly say that I want to change.

So my goal is this: by my 35th birthday, which is 17 months from now, I want to be happy with myself. I don't want to weigh 120 pounds; it's not realistic and would be nearly impossible. but I want to feel better. I want to know that I've changed the way I eat, the way I view food. I want to be proud that I got on the elliptical machine every day, or took a walk or did an exercise tape. I want to stop avoiding looking in the mirror (yup, I do that right now, which is why I don't wear makeup: I'd have to look at myself.) I want to go clothes shopping and be able to buy what I like instead of just what fits. I'd like to see definition in my jaw line! I'd like to be happy with myself.

If you have ideas, words of advice or just a good kick in the butt for me, that'd be great! And please, come back often and hold me accountable, wont you? I'm serious. Things need to change. Maybe if I learn to love myself, maybe I'll finally understand why others like me. Because right now, I find it hard...


Tasha said...

But you missed something out - you have a little one there that does not care how you look - she loves you no matter what!
I think its fab that you want to be healthy and happy but dont be down on your appearance - i couldnt understand what you meant when i looked at your pic. All i saw was a beautiful family happily playing in a pool! But weight is super personal and its about how you feel and i get that. I hatemy face - really hate it and if i could i would have plastic surgery to change it.
But be careful how you do it - take lots of fun walks and eat loads of fab sweet fruits - it will give you the sweetness but its healthy.
You have to start loving yourself though. Who cares what other people see when they look at you - strangers opinions do not matter, you dont know them so why care bout them. The views of your loved ones are the opionions that count and i have no doubt they love you just the way you are!
love tasha xx

eMeLiNe Seet said...

cheering you on Claude !!

Ash said...

Claude, good for you for being honest and brave enough to post this! You have already taken the first big step, that's wonderful. It can be so hard to be accountable to yourself... but you are showing amazing initiative. Have you seen the informercial for the 10 minute trainer (P90X)? You could definitely try that, they're even selling it at Canadian Tire now for pretty cheap(I think between 30 and 40$)! I know that the guy who does those DVDs gives a really great workout(since I've done the longer P90X DVDs), and for only 10 minutes, it's so feasible! I think it includes a meal planner as well if I'm not mistaken.
Also, you could always try something like coaching/hypnotherapy, like what Patrick (my bf) does. He is actually working with a client right now who is in a very similar position to you and she's lost over 40 pounds so far. She was very motivated like you, and ready to tackle some issues in her life, so I would defnitely recommend it if it's something you think you would like to try. Anyways, let me know if you'd want to contact him.
Best of luck with your new chapter in life! You can do it!!!!!

Diana said...

It's one day at a time, BELIEVE me! Be patient with yourself you can do it! you've already made the biggest and most important decision-YOU want to change! Good luck, I'm behind ya!

julie said...

Good for you for wanting to make a positive change. I have also been tackling this issue and the best tip I can give you is small changes. Start parking farther and walking more, eat one fruit a day and build from there, when you do it gradually it easily becomes part of your routine. You can do it!

salme said...

I hear you, Claude. It's my goal for the year too. What you said touched my heart because it's the same thing I am going through. Went to the gym last week, would you believe a one-minute step up left me breatheless?! :(

Cheering you on! You go girl!

Erin said...

I'll kick you when you need it, give you a hug when you need one, give you a break if I think you're being too hard on yourself already, and love you no matter what.

Arlene said...

Claude you are an inspiration for all women. It takes courage and strength to do what you have done. While it is only the beginning, I know you will succeed. As long as you are healthy and remember to love yourself first. Your family and friends love you because of who you are not what you do or how you look. You must do what you have to do, to bring your self image in line with the image that your loved ones already have of you. (And by the way, they are right about you even if you aren't so sure).
Have a great day,

deana said...

Hey girl. Just popping on here to tell you I was thinking about you & your moving out for awhile ordeal.

And then I saw this post. Just wanted to tell you that I, for one, will be cheering you on from afar. It all starts with the desire to want to make a change for yourself, not for someone else, just for YOU. Because it won't work if you're doing it to please someone else. And it sounds like you've made that decision... for yourself. :-) For me, it was giving birth & realizing I wasn't just living for me anymore. I had a daughter depending on whether I was healthy or not and also looking up to me & learning how to live her own life some day... healthy or not.

You are smart to give yourself time to accomplish this because it won't happen overnight & if it did, it wouldn't work anyway. Baby steps. You'll eventually acquire a taste for healthier foods & love how you feel when you exercise. And don't give up everything at once. You can have treats... just in moderation. The best piece of advice I can give you is to eat every 3-4 hours.... 3meals a day + 2 snacks. It speeds up your metabolism & keeps you from overeating when you're starving! I always have a little protein in my meals & my snacks. Lots of water, too. Fills you up & gets the food digesting! :-)

You can do this, Claude. You are worth it. :-)


PS... Your work is always inspiring! :-)

Isabelle said...

good for you for taking your life in your hands. you don't see what the rest of us sees - you are a beautiful person.

that said, i understand how you feel (i'm in the same boat). don't be shy i'm a phone call away for support! (((hugs)))

Barb said...

You're a courageous woman for being honest enough with yourself to post this. I'm hoping you can find something that fits into your busy schedule. It looks like you have some knowledgeable friends who've already posted... I don't think I have anything else to add, but I'll be here to cheer you on. Good luck!

SnapWhiz said...

Just wanted to drop you a note with some love and encouragement. We all have our ups and downs with our own worst critic... ourselves! I'm with you on this journey friend! Remember to be kind to yourself too.